Gallagher, the Kingmaker

Adrián Beltré was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame last week.  In his first year of eligibility he received votes on 95.1% of the ballots cast.  That is tied for the 17th highest percentage ever.  Tied with two guys named Babe Ruth and Honus Wagner.  The greatest player of all time, Willie Mays, only got 94.7% of the vote.  Granted that was in a different era and there were some writers who wouldn’t vote for Willie Mays because he was, hang I need to check my notes, oh yes , here it is, black.  Regardless, Beltré is in rarified air, and some national baseball pundits have stated they are amazed that the percentage was not higher, or even unanimous.  That assessment may be slight hyperbole, but only slight.  Beltré is the only third baseman to have both 3000 hits and 400 home runs.  He also won multiple Gold Glove awards for his defense.  By any measure he is one of the best third basemen to ever play in the major leagues.

On the morning of June 21, 2003 the Dodgers had played 72 games and Adrián Beltré was batting .201 with five home runs and 22 RBI.  In today’s game an average that low is often overlooked if you offset it by mashing copious amounts of homers (looking at you Kyle Schwarber) and generating a lot of runs.  In 2003 an average that low was not as easily forgiven, even if it accompanied massive power numbers.  And for Adrián Beltré those numbers, at a corner infield position where offensive productivity is expected, were disappointing, and after almost five years in the majors he was facing a career crossroads.

It wasn’t all his fault.  He was still working his way back to full strength following a botched appendectomy and subsequent serious infection that almost killed him and caused him to lose fifty pounds.  He was also young for his age, a by-product of the dirty cheating Dodgers faking his birthdate in order to sign him to a contract before it was legal, but you can read more about that in the 16 volume manifest The Dodgers are Dirty Dirty Cheaters.

Back to June 21, 2003.  That day happened to be the bachelor party of a good friend.  A good friend who has the misfortune of being a Dodgers fan.  Following a morning surf (for those who surfed, of which I was not one) in the June gloom of Redondo Beach we headed to Chavez Ravine to watch a ballgame between the Dodgers and their cross-town rivals the Angels.  During the pregame introductions I was talking to another friend, hereby known as Gallagher.  Now a little bit about Gallagher.  He’s a surfer and soccer player, but not a baseball fan.  I’m 98% sure that if I were to hand him a bat he would know which end to hold, but 58% sure that if I asked him to get me the key to the batter’s box he would go off in search of a non-existent opening implement.  Needless to say he’s not someone whose opinions about baseball would typically carry much weight.  When the announcer gets to the sixth spot in the Dodgers batting order Gallagher turns to me and says, “Theis, that’s the guy.  Beltré, he’s going to have a huge game.  Listen to the name, Beltré, it just sounds like he’s a ballplayer.”  I promptly told Gallagher he was wrong, but he would not listen to reason.

According to Baseball Reference Adrián Beltré had three hits in four at-bats including a three-run home run and the Dodgers won four to two.  My personal recollection has him with at least four hits, but I had spent my waking hours drinking warm Tecate and doing shots of Patron so I will defer to the online box score.  At the end of the 2003 season Beltre had 23 home runs, 80 RBI, and had raised his average to .240.  Not quite superstar numbers, but a dramatic improvement from where he stood that June morning.  The next year was the first time  when it all came together.  In 2004 he batted .334, drove in 121 runs and led the National League with 48 home runs on his way to a second place finish in the MVP voting, and a big contract with the Seattle Mariners who have never been called dirty dirty cheaters, at least not by me.  A few uneven years in Seattle led to one big bounceback year in Boston before he headed to Texas where he really cemented his legacy and earned his induction to Cooperstown.

Over the years Gallagher has not been shy about reminding me of the events of June 21, 2003.  Any time I have expressed doubt, whether it’s been his team choices during our World Cup pools, or his questionable Fantasy Football selections, he’s been quick to point out, “don’t doubt me Theis.  Remember that time with Beltré.” And I have always given him proper credit for it.

In August 2017 we loaded up the van for a week’s vacation to San Diego, and made arrangements to meet the Gallagher family at a local park on our way through Carlsbad.  While the kids played and wives kept an eye on them Gallagher and I were catching up whilst drinking some Pizza Port beers out of red solo cups like a couple of delinquents.  Naturally the conversation drifted towards Adrián Beltré, and I pointed out that he had just gotten his 3000th career hit and was a lock for the Hall of Fame.  “Wow, I really was right about that guy,” mused Gallagher.  I hope there is a Gallagher out there for all of us.  When you have doubts, or face obstacles it would be nice to know that out there is someone who has no idea who you are, but believes in you.

A Life of Love

When he was young, basically late elementary through middle school age, Jason went to a small privately run school in Sebastopol called Discovery School.  He went there until he reached the point where it was clear that he had surpassed Discovery School’s capability to teach him anything more and it was time for him to go to high school.  So at the end of the school year, on a Friday night in June, Discovery School held a graduation ceremony for Jason. And of course Jason was the valedictorian so he got to give a speech that he wrote himself.  I don’t remember the whole speech, but I know it ended with Jason saying, “Thank you everyone for being here tonight, I love you all.”  At the end of the speech the front row was in tears.  Mom, dad, his teacher Nancy Jenkins, they were all crying (Mom most of all).  I thought it was a pretty good speech, pretty much on brand for my brother, but I wasn’t moved emotionally quite like them.  It wasn’t until a couple days later.  I was at home, and I was looking through some of the papers that got sent home with mom after graduation.  One of these papers was a letter from his teacher Nancy Jenkins, in the letter she talked about how much Jason had accomplished during his time at Discovery School, but the part that still sticks out to me to this day was about an assessment someone has given to Jason prior to him starting there and it said Jason was never expected to be able to read more that simple emergency signs.  Whomever gave that assessment clearly underestimated my brother, but seeing that and knowing how far Jason had surpassed those expectations made me get emotional.

The night after Christine and I got engaged (once I got out of the hospital) we were at Mom’s house.  It was a couple days after Dad’s birthday so we had gone out to dinner with him, and we were back at the house talking about the engagement and potential wedding dates and whatever.  Eventually Jason looks over at me and asks who the Best Man is going to be.  Of course I said, “You are dude.”  Which earned the classic Jason response of shouting “Yes!” with his arms raised.  Of course the most important part of being a best man is delivering the speech, and Jason went to work on that right away.  Before he got too involved Mom cautioned him about not making the speech too long.  Jason took that advice to heart.  In fact the first draft of his speech fit on a single Post-It note.  I think it was front and back, but still a single Post-It.  By the time the wedding came around Jason had augmented the speech with additional material and managed to touch our hearts and make us crack up laughing too when he said he was ready for us to make him an uncle.  It wasn’t immediate, but we did a pretty good job at that.

    Anyone who ever had the chance to watch Jason open gifts got to see how great his reactions were.  I’ve seen gifts ranging from a Taylor Swift CD, to a Kansas City Chief t-shirt, to a stack of word search books from the dollar store, to a new iPhone all get the greatest reaction.  Jason would turn to the gift giver, proclaim his love for them, and declare the gift the “Best present ever!”  And in that moment it was.  For a few years, when he was handing us our Christmas lists, Jason would include “Something Special” along with his normal requests for CDs or new shirts.  The first time we saw this Christine and I had no idea what to do.  We wound up buying a wooden chicken with bending arms and legs from Cost Plus, because, well, it sure was special.  Jason loved it and that chicken sat on the TV cabinet in his room for years.  It was something special, just like him.

    So when I think about my brother, these are the things I think about.  I think about him dancing every dance, singing his heart out during Happy Birthday, and raising a toast for every occasion.  I think about him never letting himself be limited by expectations, and cherishing each and every gift.  And I think about him saying “Thank you everyone for being here, I love you all,” and meaning it.  Yep, that’s my brother.

Meatloaf, Mashed Potatoes, and Love in an Elevator

I was going through my Best Albums of 2021 Playlist refreshing my ears as I prepare to begin compiling my official selections for the Big Music List Thingy (which you can read all about here), when I came across Amorphous by the band Icon For Hire.  This album was released back on February 17, which means it isn’t at the very beginning of the playlist, nor the very end, and these albums tend to get overlooked at times, so I know it had been quite a while since I had listened to this one.  A little synthy, a little pop-punky, very angsty.  I knew I had to play this for Lily.

Generally Lily and I have pretty divergent tastes in music.  Dude, she’s 16 is and you’re 45, what do you expect?   But there is occasional crossover.  Paramore/Hayley Williams is one example, and I also got her listening to some Grime like Skepta and Dizzee Rascal.  So one day on the ride to pick up her sister at gymnastics (she was driving) I played some Icon for Hire for her and she liked it (+1 Dad Cool).  Emboldened, I branched out.  “Try this,” I said, playing a song by Two Feet.  “I like it,” she declared (+1 Dad Cool).  “Yeah, it’s trippy and Emo, reminds me of Lil Peep (RIP),” I responded.  “You listen to Lil Peep?!?!” (+1 Dad Cool)  “Of course, Come Over When You’re Sober Pt 2 was brilliant, and then he died (RIP).”  Scrolling through the playlist I decided to branch out to something completely different.  The Pretty Reckless, where post-grunge alternative and glam rock collide.  Death by Rock and Roll was the song.  “Yeah, I like this too (+1 Dad Cool), I think it is a TicTok song (+1 Dad Cool).”  Holy Flaming Fishsticks, cover me in butter because I am on a roll!  I decided it was time to go big or go home.  “Alright, here goes, this is my absolute favorite album of 2021, so far.  It will probably be #1 on The Big Music List Thingy.”  (Not going to tell you what it is, that won’t be made public until December 21)  “Nope, don’t like it, don’t like it at all.”  (-5 Dad Cool).  Ouch.  Later on she said, “Dad, I liked all those songs you played for me, except whatever that last one was (-5 Dad Cool), but they would all be on my sad music playlist.  What do you listen to when you need to be happy?”  “Umm, well…I…I just listen to whatever.  Good music makes me happy.”  What the heck?  The angsty teenager who has more black in her wardrobe than a Johnny Cash impersonator is telling me my musical choices are too sad.  What the heck does she know?

Back on August 20th Lorde released her newest album Solar Power.  The album itself was merely okay, and despite multiple listens did not earn a spot on the 2021 playlist.  But, on that album is a song that really stuck with me, actually it was one line from that song that hit so hard I started writing a blog about it that never quite came to fruition (the draft still exists though and I am borrowing liberally from it for this post).  Stoned at the Nail Salon is a reflective folk ballad about getting older.  Being that Miss Ella Marija Lani Yelich-O’Connor (yes, I looked that up) is only 24 years old I fully expect her perspective on the exorable march of time to be much different than my own. The line in question says, “‘Cause the music you loved at sixteen you’ll grow out of.”  That line hit me hard.  Never before had I heard a more blatant lie in all my life (hyperbole).  The music I loved in high school included Public Enemy, Garth Brooks, The Rolling Stones, The Beastie Boys, Primus, Dr Dre, and The Red Hot Chili  Peppers, all of which I still love.  Right now today Aerosmith is still my favorite band ever.  Admittedly there was some music I listened to back then that fell out of the rotation, I do remember buying a Travis Tritt CD at one point, but when you really fall in love with music it tends to stay that way.  

In second grade Lily fell hard for One Direction, much like every other girl she knew, but for Lily it was different.  She already knew the life cycle of the boy band, and foresaw the end of One Direction.  One day she asked, “Mommy, when One Direction isn’t popular anymore, because that’s what happens with boy bands, is it okay if I still like them?”  She was reassured that it was perfectly OK to like whatever music she wanted to, no matter how popular or unpopular that may be with other people.  One Direction has indeed held true to the prophecy, and splintered off into multiple directions, but they still hold a very special place in Lily’s heart, and in her Spotify account.  Earlier this year, before she started driving me everywhere, Lily decided she wanted to run some errands with me.  I think because I agreed to let her choose the music.  She picked One Direction and just hit shuffle.  We didn’t spend a lot of time running these errands, so I was a little surprised when “What Makes You  Beautiful” (Lily’s favorite) started playing for a second time.  I looked over at Lily and she had a sly smile on her face and a happy twinkle in her eyes as she stated, “How did that happen?”

Very rarely does comfort food fall into the category of high cuisine, it’s generally pretty common food that elicits a nostalgic or comforting response when you eat it.  Maybe a Sunday meal from your childhood, or something you’d get as a special treat.  For me it’s pizza.  All I have to do is  walk by Pacifica Pizza or Round Table and smell the sauce.  That smell immediately triggers a warm feeling inside me.  I have had much better pizza in my life than Round Table (True confessions: I’ve never actually eaten at Pacifica Pizza), but Round Table Pizza is something from my childhood that will always be special.

The week following the recent time change was a rough one for me.  I’m not sure how, but even with the “extra hour” of sleep I went into Monday morning already exhausted and annoyed.  The rest of the week did nothing to help.  Projects I wanted to work on kept getting pushed aside by a seemingly endless line of interruptions and ticky-tack issues that required resolution.  By the time Friday rolled around I felt wholey unproductive, extremely frustrated, and altogether sour.  Then shortly before lunch news came through that a colleague in another part of the state had passed away following a major heart attack a couple weeks prior.  This wasn’t someone I’d ever worked closely with, but I knew he was only a few years older than me, with kids in college and high school, and when something like this happens it hits very close to home.  By the end of Friday my sour mood had fully formed into a dark cloud hovering over me.  I scrolled through my musical library trying to find something that might brighten my mood.  I couldn’t find anything in that week’s new releases. I scrolled through my 2021 playlist long enough to acknowledge that I had lied to Lily, and that sometimes good music can’t just make me happy.  

I did the only thing I could think of.  I played Pump, by Aerosmith.  This is an album that came out when I was in Junior High, and remained heavy in the MTV rotation through High School.  It worked.  Holy Frosty The Snowman did it ever work.  By time I was one minute into Young Lust I was feeling F.I.N.E.  The volume kept going up, and I kept singing louder even to the point of causing a minor coughing fit trying (and failing) to hit some of the notes in What it Takes.  My mood had finally been lifted. 

Even though Janie’s Got a Gun did win a Grammy for Best Rock Performance by a duo or group in 1990 I don’t think anyone has ever confused this album for anything resembling high art, but it has sold over 7 Million Albums in the United States.  Kinda like Round Table has sold billions of pizzas.  Sometimes you just need a little comfort music.

Lucifer’s Limited Legion

Over a dozen years ago, during my first incarnation as an attempted blogger, one of the first pieces I wrote, the one which gathered the most attention (and also happens to be the only one I still remember clearly) delineated a special circle of Hell.  One reserved for truly the most evil of humans.  Those who warranted admission to Satan’s Inner Sanctum included people who hurt children or animals, stole from old people, or recline their seats when flying coach.  Today I would like to amend that list to include another collection of the damnably depraved.  People who double park when picking their kids up from gymnastics practice.

They come in all shapes, sizes, colors and genders.  There are the Hazard Light Harry’s who think that a couple of blinking lights are sufficient to atone for their atrociousness while other, less entitled, parents silently queue up waiting for him to get out of the road.  The Wave-Around-Wendy’s who expect people to accept on blind faith that it is safe to traverse into oncoming traffic from who has already exhibited imparied judgement .  The Beep-Beep-Beep-Betsy’s who think the sound of their Canyonero’s horn will someone enter through the front door of the gym, traverse the lobby, wind its way onto the gym floor and find its way into the finely tuned ears of their intended target like some Viking War Call.  The child is then expected to immediately cease all present activity and retreat to the safety of the family SUV.  Failure to do so within an unreasonable amount of time will only result in more profuse and preponderant blasting of the empowered ear-splitter.  Then you have the Leave-It-Behind-Leroy’s who will actually vacate the vehicle, sometimes running, sometimes not, sometimes with hazards on, sometimes not, sometimes with other children still in the vehicle, in order to personally retrieve their precious progeny from inside.  Can’t leave out the Other-Side-Octavia’s who will double park on the opposite side of the street, thus creating an opportunity for a truly impenetrable impasse.  Lastly and leastly are the Wrong-Way-Willie’s who will pull up and double park on the wrong side of the street so they can face you head on while pretending to not notice you as you stare daggers right through their corrupt craniums.

I’m certain that every last one of these pernicious perpetrators has some ready made reason to excuse their actions.  Guess what?  I don’t care.  Truly I do not.  Not in the least. Besides running directly contrary to the acceptable expectations of a polite and civilized society they are endangering the safety of those who we all hold most dear.  The gym my children train at serves a clientele from toddler through High School.  At any given time there are small children, often with frazzled parents and siblings of various sizes, entering and exiting the gym, trying to get to their next destination.  At other points throughout the afternoon there is another vulnerable population attempting to traverse this tangle of pretentiousness, new drivers.  The parking lot is small, the streets are crowded and narrow to begin with.  Visibility is an issue even before the carelessly self-absorbed obliviousness makes it worse.  Everytime someone double parks it is an invitation for something bad to happen, and quite simply that is not acceptable.

Plug in to Angry Bob

So yeah, I like music. I like music a lot. “Tell us something we don’t know, Captain Obvious. You won’t shut up about it. You’re trying to write a whole freaking book centered around 2Pac Lyrics.” Thanks for noticing. I’m not trying. I’m doing. As a wise Jedi Master once said, “Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.” That’s Yoda, the O.G. one, not that re-purposed Gizmo that a bunch of sheeple are forking $15 a month over to gawk at. (Audience Alienation 101 will taught by professor Theis this term). But anyways, I’m doing it at my own pace, around my own life, so chapter three and beyond is coming, just not as fast as I’d like. Back to the topic at hand, which was never actually revealed.

Music. It’s because of my love of music that’s I’ve befriended Richard Lackie. The Album Fight Numbers Doctor (He’s really a doctor, of teeth), the King of Memphis BBQ (which we all know if inferior to Kansas City BBQ, but I can’t fault him for poor geography), and a noted pop culture junkie. A couple days ago the good Dr. Lackie (not an endorsement of his dentistry skills, I refuse to comment on things I do not know) tagged me in a tweet seeking my opinion of a Hollywood news item. @GeekTyrant (which may or may not be Lackie himself) posted, “James Mangold to Direct Timothee Chalamet in the Bob Dylan Biopic GOING ELECTRIC.” This tweet found me at just about the most perfect time, as mere days before I had just seen Little Women therefore I actually know who Timothee Chalamet is, unlike probably any other young in Hollywood. And he’s playing a young Bob Dylan. He has the look and the frame to be a perfect young Bob.

And I should know. I love me some Robert Zimmerman. In high school and college I undertook an epic quest to accumulate every Bob Dylan CD ever made, scouring the used bins at Wherehouse and Cheap Thrills for any album that I did not yet own. I never did complete my collection, as Bob’s catalog is quite prodigious, but in my garage I do probably have more than 40 discs that I managed to accumulate. Now in the age of streaming services I have access to all the albums that I could never find. Having unlimited access to vast amounts of music for less than $10 a month (the price of some used CD’s) is quite nice, but less tactile than physically owning a music media. There is something quite satisfying about being able to flip through the liner notes, look at the photos, lyrics, dedications, and song information. It was liner notes that introduced me to subject of this new Bob Dylan Biopic.

I think I first read about the new Bob Dylan Live CD in the upcoming releases section in Rolling Stone Magazine. I do know that I bought it on that Tuesday it came out way back in 1998. The Bootleg Series Volume 4: Bob Dylan Live 1966: The “Royal Albert Hall” Concert. In the liner notes I learned that the reason Royal Albert Hall is in quotes is because this concert was actually held at the Manchester Free Trade Hall, not the Royal Albert Hall as had been claimed in numerous “real bootleg” recording released previously. The liner notes also opened a window into the most controversial period of Bob Dylan’s career. At the Newport Folk Festival in 1965 Bob Dylan had dared to perform songs with electric guitars, crafting new sound for himself that sounded like, as Reverend Lovejoy might say, “Rock and or Roll.” This was considered an act of high treason in the folk community, and the derisiveness followed throughout his subsequent tour.

With or without the controversy attached to it this album is a remarkable collection of music that’s been on almost nonstop rotation for me for the past several days. Disc one, just Bob playing acoustic guitar and harmonic is beautiful and sparse and haunting as Bob weaves us through seven songs highlighted (in my own humble opinion) by Visions of Johanna (best song ever with a woman’s name in the title), and eleven and a half minute journey down Desolation Row (Einstein disguised as Robin Hood), and the classic and familiar Mr Tambourine Man (and the ancient empty streets to dead for dreaming). Disc two is the electric set, Bob brings out his band, then knows as The Hawks, later to become The Band, yes, The Band, Robbie Robertson, Garth Hudson, Rick Danko. On this stage there was an incredible collection of musical talent, and they were performing for an unappreciative, and at time, hostile audience. Starting a rocking Tell Me Momma (I know that you know that I know that you show) every song break features the audience voicing their displeasure, trying to shout down any interaction that bob is attempting. This culminates following the penultimate track Ballad of a Thin Man (But something is happening, and you don’t know what it is) someone in the crowd shouts out “Judas!” and what follows is a truly remarkable eight minutes of musical history.

Like a Rolling Stone is probably, almost certainly, Bob Dylan’s most popular song, but it’s not personal favorite of his. Masters of War is. During my quest to complete the entire Dylan catalog I stumbled upon a used copy of a PC video game called Bob Dylan Highway 61 Interactive. The game itself was largely forgettable and mostly forgotten but one thing does stand out, one of the rewards for passing a certain milestone was being able to access an exclusive music video of Masters of War. It was certainly a song I knew, from both it’s appearance on The Freewheeling Bob Dylan, his second studio album, and Eddie Veddar’s rendition at the Bob Dylan 30 Anniversary Concert at MSG (another evening of incredible music equally worthy of it’s own write up). I have never been able to find this outside of the game, even in the age of YouTube, but I remember the montage of Vietnam War scenes and Bob’s angry vocals, punctuated by the final line “And I’ll stand over your grave ’til I’m sue that you’re dead.” The power of the message coupled with the anger in Bob’s voice makes this one of the greatest songs ever performed. But the performance of Like a Rolling Stone that night in 1966 might be the single greatest performance of any song, ever.

More shouts come from the audience, Bob replies, “I don’t believe you, ” and later “You’re a liar,” and finally he turns around to his band (again The Band) and yells, “Play it fucking loud!” And loud they did. Loud, and angry and tight and clean. These world class musicians were on point that night, Bob’s vocal’s were equally loud and angry, attempting to eviscerate the hatred right out of the unappreciative crowd.. Every “How does it feel” is backed with rage and volume that only a young mans voice can supply. Believe me on that one. I threw myself into a coughing fit trying to emulate him while driving home from work the other day. He was fighting back at the audience with his volume and history shows that he won.

It’s somewhat unfortunate that the record producers chose to attach the audience interactions to the end of the previous song, so track eight on the CD begins with The Band crashing into the song. There is footage of the show available on YouTube (with Spanish subtitles) here which includes the audience interaction, but the sound quality is not a good as you’ll find in the album release, which is available anywhere music can be had.

Captain Oblivious

I almost got in an accident today. Some guy in a red sedan attempted a no-look lane change right into the side of my Scion. Fortunately my cat-like reflexes coupled with the blaring horn and nimble responsiveness and handling of my rolling toaster combined to narrowly avert a collision.

In my 27 years behind the wheel this scenario has played out dozens of times across a wide range of four wheeled vehicles, but today was different. I had a hard time coming down from this one. Even when I was almost home I was still feeling the adrenaline surge. Then I realized why. Lily was with me. Right there in the front passenger seat. When time slowed down and red car was closest she could have easily reached out an touched it. Like some 65 MPH game of car tag. She’s 14 now. In a year she could have her learners permit. In two years she might be driving on her own, possibly in my Scion.

When she was three she participated in the St. Jude trike-a-thon at preschool (which my iPhone once autocorrected to the St. Nude trike-a-thon, but I digress). At the time we thought it was cute how completely oblivious she was as she pedalled around the course weaving and wobbling through the other toddler propelled vehicles. Of course at the time they were travelling at 2 MPH, wearing safety gear, and about six inches off the ground. She earned, and has yet to shed, the moniker of Captain Oblivious that day. She still tends to walk through life like Timothy Busfield in Field of Dreams strolling across the baseball diamond completely unaware that a game was going on around him.

Is it normal teenage self-absorbtion paired with the ever-present smartphone addiction. That’s definitely part of it, possibly the majority of it, but that doesn’t seem to be going away any time soon. I once had a driving instructor tell me that outside of being in combat driving a car was going to be the most dangerous thing I do, and that was before driverless cars and handheld distractions. Sending my baby out into that world frightens the feces out of me.

The Mythos of The Magic Poop

My favorite English Professor in college was an odd duck named John Hampsey. On several occassions throughout the quarter he would bring up eschatological literature. I think mainly so he could remind us that eschatological, meaning having to do with the end of the world, should not be confused with scatological, meaning having to do with poop. Be forewarned, this is a scatological post.

It began at Lily’s birthday party a couple Sunday’s back. I started feeling not so well. In fact I started feeling not so well that I thought I had a kidney stone wreaking havoc on my insides. I immediately started hyper-hydrating in hopes that I could flush that wretched spiky bastard to a watery grave. I drank, and I tinkled, and I drank and I tinkled, but the pain kept getting worse. I tried my best to maintain my composure and keep a positive light for Lily’s big day, but I was in agony by the time dinner was ready. At some point between the tri-tip and the cheesecake I stopped doing the dishes and excused myself to go upstairs and make a doody. And what a doody it was. I immediately felt one hundred times better and twenty pounds lighter. In reality it was probably somewhere between seven and nine pounds, but it felt like twenty. I had bestowed upon the Porcelain God a magic poop. A sacrificial scat that surrendered itself to the sewers to take my pain away.

The poop magic lasted almost exactly one week. I put in a solid four day work week, attended an awesome concert with Christine and generally lived life until Sunday. There had been many poops, but none were magical. Then again no magic was required. On Sunday we went to the beach. Keller Beach in Richmond to be exact. I don’t normally consider sandy stretches along the bayshore to be real beaches, but Lily is still rehabbing her knee injury so we found it best to avoid the rough waves associated with an ocean beach. At Keller Beach whilst tossing frisbees, kicking beachballs and splashing around in the water the pain returned. This was not good. We were 30 minutes from home and a public restroom operated by East Bay Parks was no place I wanted to be practicing scatological sorcery. Not only that, but the need to poop was not present. Luckily I laid down on my towel for a bit and the pain subsided. Discomfort, ranging from mild to moderately annoying plagued me for the rest of the evening. That night as we were preparing for bed I explained the situation to Christine. “There’s something wrong with you,” she said. “Well, you know, something new wrong with you,” she clarified. “What do you think it could be?” I didn’t know, but I was too tired to think about it then.

On Monday I did what every doctor loves and googled my symptoms. Every result indicated that it was a hernia. After work I decided to try some self diagnosis while Christine and the kids were occupied with gymnastics and homework. I turned the lights down low, put on some soft music, rubbed some warm lotion on my hands and looked for trouble. I found it. I told Christine what I had found and that I would be calling in to see the doctor the next day. Turns out there next day was shaping up to be a mess. Christine was working all day at the school, then she had to go to work at the gym the kids had to be here and there, and I was pretty sure this wasn’t going to kill me (spoiler alert, it didn’t…or did it…dum dum dum dum).

On Wednesday I made it to the doctor. Diagnosis confirmed. Unfortunately this is not the type of ailment that can be cured by drinking beer and feeling sorry for myself (why can’t I just once, in all my ailments, get afflicted with that one?!?). My ongoing discomfort, coupled with a desire to maintain a relatively active lifestyle and the fact that we have already far exceeded our health insurance deductible means I will be consulting a surgeon and seeking repair. By the end of 2019 I expect to return to my previous levels of normalcy (normalcy being relative,of course).

With apologies to the Ghost and Estate of Merle Haggard I’d like to commemorate the Magic Poop in verse:

That night I left the bathroom when it was over
Not feeling any pain at washing time
But now that feeling was clearly deluded
I can’t poop enough to keep me feeling fine

Target Practice

I got an email from my daughter’s high school Wednesday. On Friday they were going to have a Run-Hide-Fight (active shooter) exercise during third period. They had something similar at the middle school and even the elementary schools last year, I think they called them lockdown drills. We had fire drills growing up. Once a year we’d have an earthquake drill. Fires and earthquakes are both dangerous, with potential for mass destruction, so learning the proper procedures, just in case, makes sense. Earthquakes and Tornadoes are natural disasters, fires can be a natural disasters, or an accident. There is nothing natural or accidental about someone shooting up a school.

That same Wednesday I got a text from my friend Pete. He asked me to write about something. He does that from time to time. Most of the time I think he does it for me more than for him, but I’m grateful. That days episode of the Break It Down Show featured Anthony E Zuiker. You might know who he is, I didn’t (not surprising), but he created the most successful franchise in television history, CSI. His latest project is very personal to him. It’s a graphic novel called One Eyed Jack about the Las Vegas Mandalay Bay Country Music Festival massacre. Anthony Zuiker moved to Las Vegas when he was six months old. He grew up there, he went to college there, he set the original CSI there. His son was even at The Life Is Beautiful Festival a couple weeks earlier where this same murderer had a hotel room overlooking the festival. Inspired by a song he’d heard as a youth every character is represented by a playing card. The Old Eyed Jack, a wild card, is the shooter. This story doesn’t glamorize the event, it focuses on why it happened, how it was allowed to happen, where we’ve come as a society where these actions are so frequently happening, and where we are headed. Check out the Kickstarter Page or listen to him talk with Pete and Scott for more, it will be very worthwhile.

Another one happened yesterday. I was out of cell range most of the day. When I did connect I got news notices about another “mass shooting”. Odessa and Midland Texas. As of this morning eight people are dead. By the time you read this it’ll likely happen again somewhere else in America. Last year at the middle school we got an email notice one evening. Someone had made statement, a threat, involving shooting. The police and the school had investigated, and determined that a real threat did not exist. We talked to our daughter about it. “Lily, did you hear anything about something happening at school tomorrow?” “What, like a school shooter?” “Yeah, something like that.” “No. Oh well, I have a Math Test, I can’t worry about that.”

The news cycle surrounding these incidents has gotten alarmingly short. The story gets reported, once some facts get verified a bunch of politicians have their assistants tweet out thoughts and prayers, then a bunch of famous people reply that thinking and praying isn’t working, we need to take action, some bickering,then the story usually fades from the National Conscienceness before the bodies are in the ground, no progress is made.

Progress. Is progress that hard? Can we move away from the idea that one side won’t be happy until every privately owned gun in America is confiscated and melted down into a giant Peace Sign statue, while the other side is seeking an America where every child is handed a .45 on their way through the birth canal? Can we move towards improvement? Scott Huesing co-hosted the show with Pete. Scott and I are on different sides of the political aisle. I know Scott attends gun expos, I see it on his Facebook feed. On the show Scott said something along the lines of, “If you think you need a high capacity magazine to go hunting with it means you’re a terrible shot. Go back to the range and practice.” The Las Vegas Shooter purchased 55 firearms in the year prior to the massacre. The 2nd Amendment speaks the defense of tyranny. There is only so much tyranny one man can defend, how many rifles do you need? Why didn’t that raise a flag on this guy?

Progress, yes change, is needed. Is there one right answer that will stop all of this? No, of course not. Are there answers that can help? Yes, I really do think so. But we’re not going to find out an long as we are locked in this stupid stalemate. Really, how many lives must be lost before something is done. How many deaths prevented will make progress, even if it comes at the price of a small piece of your liberty, worthwhile? In my opinion, especially when were talking about children, the answer starts at one. We can do that and much more.

The House That Barry Built

Did you hear about the time Barry Zito and Laura Jane Grace went to Costco. No, you have not, trust me. It happened Friday October 19, 2012

I left work early that Friday. Christine was volunteering at a school carnival so I stayed home with the little one. I stopped at Costco on my way home, probably for toilet paper or laundry soap, that part I don’t remember. I do remember the ESPN Baseball Today Podcast with Eric Karabel and Tristan Cockroft. They were talking about my Giants. Game 5 of the NLCS was that night, and the Giants were facing elimination. The Cardinals were leading the series three games to one. The “experts” on ESPN had already called the series. It was ending that night. Anyone with half a brain knew it was inevitable. Barry Zito was pitching for the Giants that night. Zito had come to the Giants as THE big free agent signing before the 2007 season, but his Giants career for this Cy Young winning lefty has been anything but spectacular. He had compiled a 58-69 record with a 4.56 ERA. Despite being the highest paid player on the team he was left off the playoff roster in 2010. 2012 had been his best season in San Francisco, 15-8 with a 4.15 ERA, but his one appearance that postseason was a clunker. With the Giants facing elimination in Cincinnati he didn’t complete three innings, but the bullpen and bats saved the day. That day against Cincinnati actually marked the 12th straight time the Giants had won on days that Zito pitched. An impressive accomplishment, nevertheless aided by a few lucky bailouts. The Cardinals starter was Lance Lynn, an 18 game winner, and an All Star. On top of that the Cardinals lineup feasted on left handed pitching. The Cards (pun intended) were certainly stacked against the Giants that day.

I may have pulled into the Costco lot listening to baseball talk, but after getting my toilet paper and laundry soap I needed some music, some loud music, a MAX song. I’ve discussed previously the MAX song phenomena. The stock stereo volume in my Scion goes to 63, actually if you try to turn it up higher that 62 it just says MAX. Much like Spinal Tap’s amps that go to 11, MAX has no real meaning except for being too loud for most. There are handful, or maybe a couple handfuls, of songs that require MAX volume including Slow and Low,, Purple Rain, 99 Problems. On this day I clicked the dial to Against Me!, and picked Thrash Unreal, one of the most MAX songs in the MAX song catalog. The lead singer for Against Me! is Laura Jane Grace.

“If she wants to dance and drink all night
Well, there’s no one that can stop her
She’s going till the house lights come up or her stomach spills onto the floor
This night is gonna end when we’re damn well ready for it to be over
Worked all week long, now the music is playing on our time
Yeah, we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release”

Barry Zito was not damn well ready for the season to be over. Barry Zito pitched 7 ⅔ innings of shutout baseball. Six hits, one walk and six strikeouts. He even knocked in a run with a bunt single. The Giants won 5-0, #RallyZito was trending, and on Monday night in the pouring rain, the Giants punched their ticket for the World Series.

“You get mixed up with the wrong guys
You get messed up on the wrong drugs
Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn’t really plan on going”

The 2012 dream season was almost undone by drugs. At the beginning of August Left Fielder Melky Cabrera, the MVP of the All Star Game, leading the National League in Batting Average, newly minted San Francisco cult hero with legions of “Melk Men” swarming the bleachers got suspended for steroids. Two days after the Giants had consummated a trade for Hunter Pence to shore up the outfield and make a pennant push it got thrown into chaos. Somehow they persevered, won the West, fought off three elimination games against the Reds, Three more against the Cardinals and advanced to the World Series.

“They don’t know nothing about redemption
They don’t know nothing about recovery”

Barry Zito was back in the mound for Game 1 of the World Series. Again the experts gave him zero chance. Justin Verlander was pitching for the Tigers. Defending American League Cy Young and MVP award winner. Starter for the All Star Game. Generally considered one of the two or three best pitchers in baseball. Verlander got blasted. Pablo Sandoval hit three home runs, Zito pitched 5 ⅔ innings of one run ball and the Giants romped.

“She’s out of step with the style
She don’t know where the action’s happening
You know the downtown club scene ain’t nothing like it used to be”

Something else was happening throughout all this. The Friday that #RallyZito was born our realtor showed us a house that had just come on the market. We had been looking all summer, but had not yet found our Goldilocks House, not too little, but not too big. This house was different. It has everything we were looking for, and it wouldn’t require cleaning and heating 4000 square feet of living space. We went back the next day with a measuring tape to check the kids rooms.. When Pable Sandoval hit his first home run off Verlander we were in our Realtor’s office writing up an offer. The following Sunday as Game 4 headed into extra innings I was on the phone with setting up inspections for our new house. About 20 minutes after making an appointment Marco Scutero knocked in Ryan Theriot for the go ahead run and Sergio Romo struck out the side to to win the World Series.

“And if she had to live it all over again, you know she wouldn’t change anything for the world”

The Giants paid Barry Zito $133 Million to compile a 63-80 record with a 4.62 ERA over seven years. Throughout most of the contract it was viewed as a gross overpayment and huge mistake, but two days in October 2012 made it with every penny.

Let’s Talk

I’m not going to claim that technological advances and social media are supremely beneficial for mental health. The anxiety related to march of workforce automation, and social media bullying are both serious downfalls, but at the same time I think both have help to shine a destigmatizing light on mental health that just wasn’t there for previous generations. I know I probably spend too much time on Social Media and listen to too many podcasts, but those are the exact media where I see and hear these issues being destigmatized.

Perhaps it is the digital wall or sense of anonymity that helps people share (sometimes over-share) the details of their life more freely. But I do know that I have seen more discussion about mental health on Facebook and Twitter than I have ever heard discussed in person. Whether it’s a lifelong friend on Facebook talking about their struggles, or some random follower on Twitter the discussion is happening, and it’s helping.

John Krotec was recently on The Break It Down Show with Pete. John is an entrepreneur who focuses on help veterans, and has two podcasts of his own where he shares the wisdom and experience of veterans. It’s kinda natural that him and Pete get along great. On this episode they talked about PTS, whether it’s from combat, surviving assault, or some other trauma; Suicidal ideation and having a toolbox to get you through your darkest times. They also talked about how they are both natural storytellers, and how telling their stories, and others stories is how they connect.

Speaking of storytellers, another recent episode featured Rudy Reyes. If you don’t know who Rudy is you should look him up. This guy makes Jason Mamoa’s Aquaman look like Homer Simpson. When Rudy was on the show he talked about his darkest time. At his lowest point his plan was to kidnap his son, flee the country, and live on the run until Interpol caught up to them and killed him. The one thing that stopped this was the idea that his son might get hurt, so instead Rudy just loaded his gun and put it in his mouth. He didn’t pull the trigger, thankfully, and now he is thriving, and he shares his story not to lift himself in other’s eyes, but to help others to see that they can also lift themselves out, no matter how dark things get.

2 Mochas and a Latte is another podcast I listen to, and it features a friend of mine LaShunta, and two of her friends as they discuss race issues, history, fears misunderstandings, and potato salad with raisins. On their most recent episode they talked about the stigma of mental health in the black community. Following the death of LaShunta’s dad a few years back it was actually her son that helped her realize she needed to do more to help deal with the loss. In her community it was always taught that prayer would help guide you through the toughest times. Even though the power of prayer can be strong, and even as a regular churchgoer she knew she needed more help, and she got it and was grateful. No stigma, no shame, just help when you need it.

There is a lot of crap going on in this world, and in this country. I just woke up to some more of it via the news alerts on my phone. Yes there are still people out there who would rather cut you down than lift you up, but there is a lot of good out there, a lot of help. We’re all going through stuff, and we all don’t need to, don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable sharing it with our followers or podcast listeners, but reading and hearing is knowing. Knowing that you are not alone, knowing that others have been through the darkness, and knowing that there are always people and means to help.

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